a different kind of christmas
it's hard for me to tap into that holiday spirit this year--not because i'm sad (thanks, lexapro!) but because things are just very different this year. for the first time in a long time i'm not going to be with my family this year. with flight schedules and prices being what they are, i just couldn't book a trip up to vancouver to be with my parents and nana and some extended family members this year, and so i'm going solo this year.
i've been spending a lot of time at home, on my own, the past week or so because, hey, in case i didn't mention it, i'm now the co-edior of LAist
, and my writing/editing/blogging time is cranked up to new heights. this is a fabulous thing, a lifesaver, really, but it means that as i'm getting my body used to the meds (another new development; hellllooo, chemical depression diagnosis and anti-depressant prescription, nice to know there's a way out of a lifetime of feeling funky!) i'm still struggling with energy levels and going out and about. so there is a disconnect between me and the world outside, and yet i know what's going on, so it's not a full disconnect. i think i'm rambling. my bad.
okay, so it's not a sad christmas, just one that doesn't fit any particularly familiar mode. i haven't really decided what i'm going to do tonight or tomorrow, or who i'm going to hang out with, or even how or when i'll go about opening up the presents i've been stockpiling in the living room. plus there's my birthday this week, and i'm trying not to get too psyched up, but i'm pretty sure i'll be able to get the darling boy to take the whole day off to hang out with me, and that's about all i've wanted for my birthday.
i'm thinking a lot lately about how things in life really and truly don't play out the way you expect them to, and that it's actually a good thing. i've really had to look around and take a minute to remind myself that what i have in my life--the work, the friends, the home, the family, the boyfriend, and so on--are not necessarily out of the sears catalog of what we've come to expect or look for as a social collective, but that what is the so-called untraditional or unconventional is mine, and quite wonderful. i'm also thinking a lot on 2007, and what it's brought to my life, and what it's meant to me. there's been a lot of tough times and sticky situations, but also a lot of love and surprises and reconnections and quiet beauty. i'm ending the year really hopeful for my life in 2008 and beyond and full of a lot of love, and a lot less fear than usual. i'm in touch with friends that were such vital parts of my young life who i've missed all these years, and my core network of local friends and cohorts is an invaluable support system and source of encouragement and laughter and good times. i get to teach some amazing kids how to write, and i get to write for LAist, all the while in both scenarios getting to know some amazing people. i get to be in love with someone i first fell in love with over a decade ago, although that love has changed and become something so wholly unanticipated and rewarding, and while this relationship is not conventional, it is with the person i want to be with and makes me exceedingly happy. so this christmas is just different--no martha stewart special, no lifetime movie, no ghosts of christmas past. but it's here, and it's mine, and it's still a merry one.
whatever your traditions or circumstances may be, happy holidays!