things i found while cleaning my closets, part 2

• letters to apartment managers about bad conditions and repairs
• Starbucks barista gear: cap, apron, & workbook (Part 9, Pastry Display)
• a plush backpack shaped like the red teletubby
• a stuffed cow (i had mad love for this cow; it came from IKEA)
• my address book from high school--impressionist art, of course
• anotebook with my "daily pages" exercises from when i tried following "the artist's way" in february 1996, complete with random thoughts about the darling boy, who was making my little mind and heart whirl endlessly twelve years ago
  
• termination letter from the LA Philharmonic/Hollywood Bowl, November 1999
• almost every single evaluation form filled out for my services rendered as a student tutor in the csula writing center, sept 2004-may 2006
• a stack of magazines with Susan Sarandon on the cover
• notes for a screenplay bunny and i were writing that included a character described as Jaime, the free-spirited dyke
• a felt zip-up power-puff girls organizer
• more mushy cards and notes between me and an ex bf, including printouts of emails, one of which includes the line "guess what babe? we got the internet!" (it was 1999)
• the box of all the cards i've ever been given (hello, sentimental packrat) including "congratulations on finishing grade school" cards, "happy 12th birthday" cards (and 13-26 birthdays, it seems), cards from people i haven't talked to in years, and one really funny christmas card from a friend from 1995 that has a personal note to me reading: "at least one of us is getting some right now!" (which, i guess i would have had the darling boy to thank for that--thanks, honey!)
  
• every magazine published with Princess Diana on the cover from when she died

things i found when cleaning my closets

• a brittle stack of copies of my high school newspaper, 1992-1994
• pictures of people who are now some combination of: older, prettier, thinner, heavier, moved away, dead, not speaking to me
• magazine tear-outs about liz phair, courtney love, natalie merchant and sarah mclachlan
• love notes and "have a nice day honey!" notes from an old boyfriend
• the blue rubber cover for my very first cellphone
• lots of expired vitamins
• essays, quizzes, homework, and notes from undergrad and grad courses, some of which are about poems and books i don't remember reading (which means i probably didn't) and my familiar prose and witticisms worked in
• a plastic red teletubby
• porcelain dollhouse furniture
• a unicorn shaped eraser
• all the junk jewelery i broke in the early 90s but couldn't bear to throw out for some reason
• newspaper articles from 1993 about my drama teacher who went to trial for having an affair with a student
• an audiocassette recording of chaucer's "the miller's tale"
• cute christmas cards that i will use this year (whee, i'll save $15!)
• print outs of descriptions of multiple seasons of 90210
• the lyrics to hole's "live through this" (i'm thinking i may have typed these out in those dark times before google)
• miss hannigan, 5 inches tall, plastic and totally nude

i should have just said "i'm not interested" from the get-go, or thrown the can of campbell's select i was pondering right at his forehead

strange dude at grocery store (sdags): are you married to gary?
me: no
sdags: oh, uh, hmmm, not married to gary. you're not married!
me: no, i'm not
sdags: well uh, nice to meet you (shakes my hand) i'm mike
me: hi
sdags: i went to taft high school in the valley
me: uh huh
sdags: where'd you go to high school?
me: crescenta valley
sdags: huh? hmmm. so, uh, you live around here?
me: yes
sdags: i live in canoga park. i work for blah blah blah* doing blah blah blah, ya know?
me: uh huh
sdags: so what do you do?
me: i teach college**
sdags: whoa? wow. really? hmmm, but you look so young, i mean, teach college, but you're so young!
me: old enough to teach college***
sdags: soummmmmmmm, what do you like to do in your spare time?
me: i don't have a lot of spare time****
sdags: how come?
me: i'm also a writer**
sdags: work hard, play hard heheheheheheh, right?
me: something like that
sdags: maybe we should go get a soda*****
me: oh, i don't think my boyfriend would like that
sdags: no, but you would. it would liberate you.
me: i'm not imprisoned
sdags: well, you're a very attractive woman, you know
me: thank you
sdags: do you live with your boyfriend?
me: that's kind of personal...
sdags: so that's it, then: shacked up with a guy out of wedlock!
me: what? i didn't say that, i said--
sdags: you should be ashamed of yourself, living with your boyfriend and not married (he starts off down the aisle, running away from me, the wanton harlot)
me: i don't live with my--
sdags: you do******. shame on you!*******
me: ...?

*i'm not in any way trying to protect his identity. frankly, i wasn't paying attention to what he said here.
** usually shuts up people who are not, err, um, all that smart. i also usually say "i'm a professor" but i was caught off guard this time
*** the guy isn't good with math, because if he thought i was old enough to have gone to high school with him a hundred years ago, how can i not be old enough to teach college?
****i should have said one or more of the following:
i am a lesbian; i have several stray cats; i enjoy taxidermy, quilting, casting spells, quantum physics, streaking, swingers clubs, bug collecting, vegan cooking, levitating, bikram yoga, chanting, badminton, and spelunking
*****seriously, who asks someone out for a soda? gee whilakers, are ya gonna bring wally and beav with ya down to mister mcgee's malt shop?
******i don't
*******i think fundamentally this is what gets me. although i don't live with the darling boy, so what if i did? we certainly, to borrow a term my friend and i use, "do what grown ups do" all the time, and i've never been married and have enjoyed expressing myself with my partner intimately since i was of legal age to do so. it wasn't that he rejected me, because, homeboy, even if i wasn't head over heels in love with the darling boy as i am, he still wouldn't have a prayer, and obviously we were not suited for each other, it was this misunderstanding followed by judgment that really got to me. i guess no matter the circumstance, most of us just want to be liked. now this freaky guy thinks i'm a dirty slut.

the kindness of april

thus far, april has not allowed me enough sleep, but i'm not complaining.

oh, who am i kidding? i'm complaining, but really it's just about my work schedule (which blows). everyone in my life has been forewarned that i will be complaining about said schedule until about mid-june, when the quarter is over. i know regular people get up early five days a week and go to work and spend their day there, but for some reason (spoiled academic?) i just can't get the hang of getting up early four days a week (in a row!) and going to work and spending a half-day there. mind you, it's spring, and teaching these restless, cynical, tired students of mine (lovely people, tough crowds when i'm center stage) is really draining.

bitching aside, i have been having a blast. in the past couple of weeks i have celebrated a friend's birthday with drinks at a great downtown lounge, become fully enamored with the inventive gelato flavors at scoops, enjoyed a gratis brunch in weho, attended a big geek-chic party in hollywood, scored tickets to some upcoming shows, gotten in on a media lunch tomorrow for the thai festival in thai town, written a bunch, seen beth orton in an acoustic concert, eating all sorts of yummy things, seen the new flick "smart people," done my taxes, treated myself to a facial, welcomed the return of two of my favorite thursday night nbc comedies, kept up with my other "shows," and gotten really good at the virus buster game on brain age 2 and mario kart on my nintendo ds (did i mention it's pink with a sparkly heart?).

i'm listening to some great music:
The Helio Sequence: Keep Your Eyes Ahead
Goldfrapp: Seventh Tree
Nine Black Alps: Love/Hate
Mike Doughty: Golden Delicious
MGMT: Oracular Spectacular

i'm excited about lots of stuff coming up, and the general sense of busy-but-happy. good friends chime in on gchat and email and by phone, plans are made for hanging out and going out, and all the plants in the house are growing with a springtime urgency. i smile a lot, and laugh a lot, and think a lot about how once upon a time there was a girl who lounged away her days in a hollywood coffee house, skipping school, dreaming of being a writer, and wishing a very special guy would be in love with her... and how i look around me now and see a woman who goes to school but is the teacher, is a writer and an editor for this once-unheard of thing called a blog, and who shares this crazy little thing called love with that same special guy. this is me, and this is me now, and this was meant to be.

happy april, everyone. watch those seeds grow.